After doing a video on our youtube channel on signs of a toxic relationship, a girl texted me this question “Would you date someone with a kid” a question that I found so interesting. I have never thought this was an issue at all until I got to call her and listen to her story. Her question was so simple but yet so deep and I felt the need to do this blog to address it. Here is her concern “Is dating a man with a child worth it?” and she signed off her text with these words….“Would you date someone with a kid?”
Okay, let’s talk about it…She’s probably not the only one grappling with this question, I know some of us out there have the same question but in a different format. In this article, I will try and answer the question and help you make the right call when choosing to date someone with a child.
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Why men leave “perfect” women: what EVERY woman needs to know. His Secret Obsession.
- Dating and the Single Parent
- Outdated: Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed
- Single Girl’s Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife
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Would you date someone with a kid?
There is no one size fits all answer to this question, because dating depends on a person and the situation. Dating someone with a kid requires you to be emotionally mature and ready to take responsibility for not only one person but two. And your partner must be able to make you a priority in the relationship.
Is dating a person with a child worth it?
I will say dating a person with a child is totally worth it, and if you are willing to put in the work and know-how to balance between the child and your relationship then you should go for it.
Dating regardless of who you dating should be taken seriously, especially if you’re a believer. I see nowadays a lot of people dating so casual as if it’s a game of checkers. It’s so heartbreaking to see how we are playing games with other people’s feelings and emotions.
Talking to Joyce [not her real name] made me realize the pain that many single parents out there are going through. I mean someone will reject you because of your status. It’s so unfair to hear that someone will avoid falling in love with you because of what society will say. Dating has become more about how people will view us rather than allowing our hearts to fall in love with whoever we want.
On the flip side of that story is a single parent who wants to use their child as an excuse. Case in point Joyce’s story, Joyce is dating a young brilliant dad. The two have been going out for a couple of months now. She’s happy about the progress of their relationship, however, recently she has been feeling like there is a level that the guy is not willing to let her in.
Joyce has been insecure about their relationship because she feels like the guy will never put her first. Words like “my kids come first” have become a place of tension in their relationship. Joyce shares with me that at first, she was okay with that because she felt like the guy was trying to let her know how serious he was with his child. But now she feels like the guy has been using the “my kid comes first”card to excuse himself from certain commitments that they had in their relationship.
Okay let’s not dwell a lot on Joyce’s story, let me try and address a couple of things that I feel will bring clarity to you if you are considering dating Someone with a kid.
How to be in a relationship with someone who has a child
Dating someone with a kind comes with a certain responsibility, the relationship is not just about the two of you. Most decisions are made based on consideration of how it will impact the child.
If you want to date someone with a kid you need to be willing to give them time to do these three things,
Trust
Every single parent has a painful story or at least the majority of them. Most of them, their story ties to a betrayal, a rejection or deep connection wrong person kinda situation. To them protecting themselves and their child is their first instinct. Before they open up their heart completely they need to trust that,
- You’re here to stay
- Serious with the whole package
- You’re emotionally ready to handle the responsibility
- You love their child
- You’re not like the other guy
Insecurities
As you deal with your own insecurities about dating someone with a kid, they are also dealing with their insecurities of trusting you with their kid. The reason they keep bringing their kids in the picture is that they don’t want you to lose sight of that part of their lives. To them, dating involves more than just the two of you.
Promises.
Some words and statements might take time for some single parent to trust. Obviously because of their past experience. It will require you to be patient with them and continue affirming them with words of assurance. Don’t feel bad if at first, they struggle with certain words, to them these words are attached to emotions and regrets. To them promises to mean a lot, if you promise to show up or do something you better do it.
Letter to a single parent, “Let’s date”
It will be unfair to talk about how you need to adjust your view so that you can date someone with a kid without talking about how someone with a kid can adjust to date you.
To be honest most single parents are selfish with their approach to dating. They want you to adjust to their lens without them adjusting to yours, that’s not fair. If I was to date someone with a kid I want them to also know that I have desires, feelings and I know what am doing. So three thing I would request you as a single parent to do,
Trust Me
Trust me enough to put me first then together we can raise the kid. I don’t want to feel like a third wheel, I want us to be able to sit down and make decisions about us that will benefit the child.
Stop comparing
I know it’s hard for you to forget what happened but at least stop comparing me with them. We can’t leave our life trying not to do something cos your afraid it might turn out like last time, let’s live our life trying to build something without fear and without comparison.
Let’s talk about us
Sometimes let us just talk about ourselves. Don’t get me wrong I love the child but sometimes I just want us to talk about us, build us, grow us. I believe if we build a strong intimate bond, we can parent the child well without fear.
Dating someone with a kid pro and cons
I would really love to hear from you on this but in the meantime let me give you five pros and cons if you chose to date someone with a kid.
| Pros | Cons |
|---|---|
| They already know what they want | Kids come first at first |
| When they commit they commit fully | The way you connect with their kid determine the next step |
| They don’t have time for games | One mistake might ruin the whole thing |
| Mature | The stakes are high |
| If you connect with their kid they love you more | Some haven’t dealt with their baggage yet |
| They know what it means to be left | Some don’t know how to trust anymore |
| They know how to take care of themselves | |
| Children are a blessing |
Reason not to date someone with a kid
There are several reasons why you shouldn’t date someone with a kid, some of them are significant whereas others are not. If you’re not ready for this stay away…
- If you are not ready for parenting responsibility
- It’s not just about loving the person, it’s more about connecting with their child.
- The stake is high, no room for experimenting
- They still talk with the ex because of the child/ren
- Kids fall in love fast than their parents
- When you leave you will not only heartbreak them but you will heartbreak their child.
- They want someone with a dad/mom midset
- They talk about their kid a lot
- Kid comes first
- You might not come first
Dating someone with a kid comes with some huge responsibilities and if you’re not emotionally prepared it’s good if you take some time and think about it. For women who have dated a man with a kid you know the experience of dealing with baby mamas and vice versa.
Okay so what am I suggesting here, I love single parents. I have a whole lot of friends who are in this space. And i wish they find someone who is genuine and ready to go the whole nine yards.
However, I also want them to be willing to give someone a chance, take it slow, and trust that God can connect them with an amazing person.
Final thoughts: Dating With a Kid
As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, It’s worth it. Dating a man or woman with a kid is a good but not easy venture. Let me give you a hint both of you must have a working healthy relationship with Jesus. Okay, let me summarize this post. I want to list four things that I feel are fundamental and might help you if you choose to date someone with a kid.
For the single parent,
- Deal with baggage before you involve someone else into your space [for some]
- Don’t use the child to manipulate or as an excuse
- Be patient with each other
- Put God first [Pray together and for each other]
- Don’t involve the kid if your not yet sure about it {bonus}
For the personal interested in the relationship,
- Be patient with him/her it takes time for them to trust you
- The person and the child come as a package
- Be emotionally ready to take parenting responsibilities
- There is no room for games be sure this is what you want
- Find Jesus and love on Him
Friends I cannot exhaust everything in this one post, I would like to hear from you. what is your experience, would you date someone with a kid? For those who are dating or have dated someone with a kid was it worth it? Share with us in the comments below.
Pray: Father thank you for single parents, today we pray that they find love, true love. May they use their experience to Glorify your name. May their children be a blessing to those unions. Help them deal with their insecurities, set boundaries, and be willing to trust you as you lead them. may your word be a lamp at their feet. I pray also for those who want to date someone with a kid, may you grant them wisdom. And lead them to the right person in Jesus’ name. Amen
