Did you know that similar personalities has almost no effect of how satisfied people are in their relationship? This is according to a study conducted by Michigan State University on couples married 20 years and above. Bill Chopik, a professor of psychology at Close Relationships Lab says the key to a happy relationship is simply finding a nice guy. Hmm…
So, how do you know if you should marry someone? Determining whether someone is the one is a process that involves three steps. Step One is about identifying the right qualities. Step two is about asking the right questions and step three is you making a decision to move forward based on what you have discovered in the process.
If the person puts you first, is honest, is sensitive to your needs, you’re both aligned in your faith, he takes responsibility for his action and he is willing to adjust to make your relationship better. This is just but the first step.
Step one alone is not enough for you to determine whether he is the one. This step is all about his qualities and what makes a good fit for marriage. A lot of this kind of data is what dating apps use.
A lot of research has been put on dating apps and algorithms to provide what they call a “perfect match”. This data is based on similarities, qualities, and interests. There is a huge buzz about these algorithms match-making techniques online, but the big question is “is this enough to know if you should marry him”? Putting your romantic fate on this one step is like rolling a dice. For some they get lucky for others it turns out to be a total disaster.
Probably for you right now you’re already dating or engaged and are wondering if the person you have is compatible with marriage. People around you might have been hinting to you that you look good together. This might have given you some confidence in the relationship. Sorry to say this but before you say I do consider these next two-step of the process.
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Step two: Asking the right questions
It is good to go online to find answers to your question but it is actually better to ask your partner directly what you think about a situation. Linda from Psychology today says that it is arrogant to believe that we know what our partner feels or think or even what motivates them to do what they do.
Assuming things in a relationship is what has brought a lot of misunderstanding in many relationships. We marry the wrong people because we dint take time to ask the right question. Asking the right question will help you determine whether someone is fit for you.
So what kind of questions should you be asking to determine whether someone is fit or compatible for marriage? Asking these questions will help you understand yourself and also understand your partner better.
Apart from this premarital counseling question I will add a few here that might kick start the conversation.
This is how you know if you should marry someone by asking these simple questions?
- What is the purpose of our relationship?
- Why are we together?
- What will be my role in your future?
- How do you think you lead me?
- In what ways are we serving each other?
- How much power/ say do I have in the relationship?
- What annoys you about me?
- Is there someone about your past that I should know?
- How well do we support each other?
- In what areas do you think we are struggling?
- In your own opinion, what do you think I need to be happier in the relationship?
- Would you do premarital counseling with me?
- Who are you accountable to?
- Who disciples you and how is that relationship?
- How have you dealt with your past?
- Do you have any addiction?
- What’s your view about sex before marriage?
- Why do you think we keep fighting about this same thing over and over?
- What boundaries do you have with other people?
- Who do we go to when we have a major conflict?
Step three: Make the choice
As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, how to know if you should marry someone is a process. These three steps are very important to help you make the right decision moving forward. This third step is to evaluate what you feel based on what you have discovered.
Going through premarital counseling would be the next step. This is because there are some questions and conversations that you might not be able to have on your own. Premarital counselors have their own way of getting you talking about this hard conversation.
Once you are done with premarital counseling and evaluating through the above question. You will be better informed and can now make a choice either to marry him or not. The decision to marry someone should not be taken casually, because this is one person you are meant to live with for the rest of your life.
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With this new reality brings us to the big question should I marry him if I have doubts? The answer to this question cannot be straight forward, this depends on whether your doubts are matters of principle or just feelings. If your reasons are matter of principle then you shouldn’t marry them. However, if your reasons are based on a feeling then you need to pay attention and discuss with your partner to see if you can make some adjustments.
If you find yourself having doubts I usually advise people to answer this simple question.
‘If everything remains the same, would I still marry him’? If the answer is yes then you are willing to leave with the consequence of your choice. If the answer is no, then you need to address this with your partner and see if they can make adjustments. If they cannot make adjustments then it’s time to break up.
I dare say that marriage is not about finding the perfect person because there is no perfect person. It is about finding the best person that is compatible with you. A person that is willing to adjust to make your relationship better.
Signs you should not marry him
A friend of mine gave me simple advice right before I got married. He said that people don’t change unless they want to change. If someone is unwilling to make adjustments to their behavior or character then you shouldn’t marry them. Marriage is about making adjustments because it’s two different people coming to form one marriage.
These are some simple signs you should not marry him.
- If you’re not a priority in their life
- If they are unwilling to make adjustments
- If they apologize without a change of behavior
- If they are unwilling to do premarital counseling
- If they are of different faith
- If you don’t have the same values
- If God tells you not to
Final thoughts: How do you know if you should marry someone
At the end of the day, what matters if you should marry someone or not is your own personal decision. This article should only act as a guideline to help you make the right decision moving forward. Take time to pray and evaluate honesty in your situation then go ahead and start your premarital counseling right away.
I will also finish by saying that it is okay to give someone a second chance. However don’t be pressured to stay, if things are not working then it’s okay to break up an engagement which is easier than breaking a marriage.