Hi, are you looking for the best premarital counseling questions and topics to improve your relationship, You have come to the right place.
I know you might be busy with wedding planning, dealing with the wedding stress, collecting wedding ideas but pause for a minute and listen to this. Have you thought about the premarital counseling questions and topics you should discuss with your spouse before you take the next step?
Here are the best resources that go hand in hand with this guide. (Available on Amazon- We recommend Kindle as the best way to read books-Start a 30-day free trial here)
Why men leave “perfect” women: what EVERY woman needs to know. His Secret Obsession.
- Preparing for Marriage Couples Guide
- Preparing for Marriage Leaders Guide
- The Meaning of Marriage-Timothy Keller
- Devotions for Engaged Couples- Gary Thomas
Not sure where to start with a premarital counseling conversation, start here or start a Happily Ever After Wedding registry, find inspiration & ideas on Amazon.
Before you decide to start a family or way before you walk down the aisle go through these premarital counseling questions. You need to be sure that you and your fiancé are ready for marriage life.
See this post to know when you should start premarital counseling before or after engagement.
Most engaged couples tend to focus more on wedding planning not realizing that there are some important pre-marriage counseling questions that need to be addressed.
The only way you can access this is by going through what we call a premarital program or talk to a premarital counselor. A premarital counseling program will lay a good foundation for your future life together.
Now that I have your attention, the information I want to share with you here is no theory, it’s something that my wife and I went through when we were preparing for marriage. We have also had the privilege to take other engaged couples through the program. These premarital counseling questions and topics will help you identify red flags and work around making your relationship solid.
What is premarital Counselling?
There are several premarital counseling questions and counseling lessons that are covered in a premarital counseling program. We are going to tackle this conversation from a Christian point of view.
What is pre-marriage Counselling? Premarital counseling is a marriage counseling program that is designed to equip and prepare a couple that is planning to get married with skills on how to navigate marriage issues. The goal of the program is to make sure that you understand the reality of marriage, God’s design for marriage, and the different phases of marriage.
At the end of the program, you will be equipped with knowledge and skills to handle problems, conflict resolution ideas, how to communicate effectively, dealing with money, and other topics we will address in this blog.
We usually have one simple rule if a couple wants us to mentor or take them through the 10 weeks of premarital counseling sessions. It’s usually a bible verse from Psalms 127:1
Unless the Lord Build the House those who built it labor In vain.
As much as you have control over your choices and decision, as Christian we must understand what God’s designed for marriage is. As you and your partner look forward to taking the next step into marriage, I urge you to consider putting God at the center of your marriage. He will guide your marriage to succeed.
The next piece of advice is one that was given to us during our premarital counseling class. “Work on Me pray for them”It’s a simple statement yet so powerful. If you have observed many couples or even your own relationship, you will realize that no one is perfect, and trying to change your partner will lead you to more frustration and the relationship will not survive.
That’s why we say “Work One Me and Pray for them”. Your goal should be to work on yourself and pray for your significant other because only God can change your partner.
A piece of bonus advice, “pay attention to the tension”. Do not swipe things under the carpet, talk, and talk and talk. Because when you talk you make things better. Some things might be huge turn-offs for you but talk about them, don’t ignore them.
Now that we have the basics out of the way, let’s dig deeper into the meat of the program. People ask us every day, how effective is a premarital counseling program, and our answer is usually the same. It depends, it depends on how honest and invested a couple is in the program.
The effectiveness of the program depends on how honest you are to yourself and to your partner. We have seen couples go through the program and come out stronger, while others go through it and don’t even finish.
So what are these premarital counseling questions that pastors ask in a premarital counseling class?
Premarital counseling questions and Topics?
The premarital counseling program gives you an opportunity to ask questions, discuss hard topics, evaluate your relationship, and help you think not only with your heart but also with your head. All these discussion topics are important regardless of where they fall on our list. The sections in this post are divided into two.
(a) Discussion Topis
(b) Discussion questions
Understanding your personality
The first session we cover in a pre-marriage program is personality. The reality of most relationships is that “opposite attracts”. In Hank’s DeGroat book “Opposite attracts then they attack“. Most conflicts and relationship tensions are caused by personality differences. Not knowing how your partner’s personality influence their behavior might cause unnecessary tension and conflicts in your relationship.
Even though personality difference is huge it should not be used to excuse bad behavior in a relationship. Both of you need to be mindful of each other regardless of your personality.
If you haven’t taken the personality test yet, you can find some online or check this one out. Taking time to understand your partner’s personality type and how they complement or collide with yours might save your marriage. Understanding both your and your partner’s personality will help you with conflict resolution in your marriage.
Premarital Counseling Questions To discuss
- What is your personality type [ Primary temperament]
- What”s your partner’s primary temperament?
- What obvious difference in personality have you observed
- What’s hard to understand in your partner’s personality?
- How does your partner’s personality affect you?
- What adjustment will you make to be more mindful of your partner?
Remember: opposite attracts then they………attack. So be intentional about understanding each other’s personalities. The things you like about your partner might be the same thing that will stress you in marriage.
Personal background and history
The way you were raised influenced your worldview. You might not see it while dating but when you start living together as a married couple you will definitely experience it. Those who grew up as the only child might have a problem with sharing, or some who grew up in a large family might be dominant or aggressive. And vice versa.
It’s good to be aware of your partner’s worldview and personal history because a lot of things he/she is doing might be influenced by that. Others have never lived alone, never been in a romantic relationship or even some never had someone they are answerable to.
Coming together means making adjustments. To point out a few discussions you might want to have is around holidays, family gatherings, and overall what their values are around these gatherings.
Premarital Counseling Questions To discuss
- What things did you grow up seeing your family do and how has that affected your worldview?
- How did your dad and mum model their roles in your family?
- Did you grow up with both parents?
- How was it like to grow up with a single parent and how did that shape your worldview?
- What was it like to grow up with both parents and how did that shape your worldview?
- What was it like to grow up in a huge/small family?
- How do you celebrate the holidays?
Expectations
The toughest premarital counseling questions are usually around this topic of expectations. People come into a relationship with unsaid expectations. It’s not a deal-breaker when you dating but it becomes a huge issue when you are married.
That’s why it’s important to talk about it. It’s hard to meet someone’s expectations especially if you have no idea what they are. This is what is a frustration for many marriages today.
Premarital Counseling Questions To discuss
- Are there things you expect me to do that I should know of?
- What’s your ideal marriage?
- What’s your ideal life partner?
- What family planning methods are we going to use?
- How many children do you want?
Rules and Roles
In this era of movies and reality shows, people have picked up different ideologies that have shaped their views about roles in marriage.
It’s highly recommended for you to discuss in-depth what they think their role is and what they think their partner’s roles are. Some of your views might be from these ideologies or maybe from your upbringing and the way your parents model the roles to you.
Premarital Counseling Questions To discuss
- Who is the head of the family?
- What do you think is my role in the marriage?
- Who makes decisions?
- What household duties must I do?
- Who pays the bills?
Our view and God’s design for marriage
Marriage has been in existence since the days of Adam and Eve. With the different generations, tribes, cultures, and the influences of technology and religion the idea of marriage has become so distorted. Somehow people have moved away from the original design that God intended marriage to be.
The same union God said, in the beginning, was good, now people are casually coming in and getting out as they please. With this reality, it is adamant we go back and get to know what God’s design and purpose for marriage are.
Its true marriage is work but also it works if we do it the way God intended it to be done. Doing marriage the way God intended it to be done will bring a lot of joy and peace even in the midst of challenges.
Paul gives a good illustration of how husbands and wives should treat each other. Husbands should love as Christ loves the church (sacrificially) wife’s should respond and submit to their husbands willingly. You can learn more in Pauls’s letter in Ephesians 5.
Premarital Counseling Questions To discuss
- What myths have you believed about marriage?
- What do you think is the purpose of marriage?
- Why are you getting married?
- How do you think God intends a husband and wife to live?
- What makes a godly marriage?
Finances
Money is a gift to us from God. Having it or not having it might be a problem if a couple doesn’t know how to manage it. Research has shown that finances have become the number one reason for couple separation and divorce in this generation.
A few years back infidelity was the big monster, but right now couples are having more fights on financial matters than infidelity.
Not being able to manage finances well as a married couple might be a huge area of tension. Together you need to be aware of your and your partner’s money personality. Remember the opposite attracts and then they attack.
Maybe for you, you enjoy saving, you might be paired with someone who doesn’t see the need for saving. Or you are with someone who believes a man should pay all the bills!!! or it’s a 50/50 partnership.
It’s recommended for couples to disclose their financial status to each other in the dating phase. Let your partner know what debt you have, who you’re supporting, what you’re doing with your finances, and to some extent how much you earn.
The purpose of this session is usually to help you be aware of your financial status. This will helps you make better choices and prevent unrealistic expectations in the future.
Premarital Counseling Questions To discuss
- What is your money personality?
- When growing up how did you manage your money?
- What is your biggest money memory?
- Is it our money or your money my money?
- Who pays the bill?
- What your current financial status?
- Do you have any debt I should be aware of?
- Who are you supporting and how will that change once we get married?
Intimacy and Sexual
My wife and I have had the privilege to talk to a couple one on one on this topic. This topic might seem so obvious to you but trust me, many couples have confessed to us that they have never had a sex conversation with anyone.
It’s important for a couple to understand that intimacy is not just about sex. Just because you are having sex with your husband doesn’t mean that you are in love/intimate. Intimacy is about intentionality. Proximity alone is not enough you must be intentional if you want to experience true intimacy.
Premarital Counseling Questions To discuss
- How do you define intimacy?
- What intentional things will you do/say to your spouse to create intimacy?
- What myth do you believe about sex?
- Who should initiate sex?
- How different is a man and woman in regard to sexual view?
Effective Communication
Money, sex, and communication are the top three areas that most couples have tension in. As you are planning to do counseling before marriage this is a good conversation to have. Everything you do as a couple is tied to communication.
Not being able to communicate with one another effectively might cripple your marriage.
What you say and how you say it matters a lot in marriage. Getting married is one thing staying married is another.
Not being able to say what you want to say is a recipe for disaster. Suppressing your emotions might be a mental health hazard.
Effective talking has three aspects to it.
(a) environment
(b) mood
© Timing
You need to be able to read the temperature of the conversation, access your mood, and the mood of your partner, find the right time, and of course, choosing the best environment.
Premarital Counseling Questions To discuss
- What makes a good “talk”?
- Do you prefer a Summarised or a full version of the story?
- How did you pass information in your family – are you the quiet or a yelling type?
- In case of a conflict, how do you want us to talk, immediately, or give each other space first to cool down?
Dealing with Soul ties
Living together comes with baggage. Soul ties are a conversation that usually happens on a couples retreat. It’s a good conversation to address especially for those who have had multiple relationships in the past.
Premarital Counseling Questions To discuss
- Is there someone you still feel emotionally connected to?
- Are you struggling to let go of an ex?
- Are you having weird dreams with your ex?
Inlaws and Outlaws
When you marry your partner you are not just starting a life with her, but you’re getting into a new relationship with their family members. Marriage is a blessing of two families coming together. Knowing how to manage those relationships is a piece of advice any counselor will call critical.
Premarital Counseling Questions To discuss
- Is there someone you are supporting financially in your family?
- How do we handle needs in our families?
- In case of a visit, how long should your/my family stay over?
Marriage Phase and stages
Marriage has different stages or phases. The dream stage, the drama stage, the discovery stage, and the depth stage.
You want to live a happy married life, you must be able to understand these different marriage stages.
Premarital Counseling Questions To discuss
- How can I be more sensitive to your feelings?
- Who are we giving permission to ask us tough questions to help us navigate our issues?
- What measures have we put in place in case we find ourselves in the drama stage!
- Who are we doing life with as a support system?
Who meets my needs- God the source
It is important as a Christian couple to understand that marriage is God’s initiative and not man’s. After going through the major conversations, you need to now come back and ask this simple question “who meets my needs in marriage”? It sounds simple and obvious but it’s not.
Many couples even believers struggle with the idea of surrendering their marriage to God. Talking about issues concerning religion is highly recommended. This is because religion will shape a lot of your family culture, values, and set the standard for your future life together.
God is the one who meets your needs. Look at your partner to fulfill or fully make you happy will leave you frustrated and tired.
Because of our nature as humans, it’s very hard to be able to meet fully our spouse’s needs. That’s where we invite God and allow Him to meet our needs.
Premarital Counseling Questions To discuss
- Who meets my needs?
- Is religion important?
- What’s your take on religion?
- Is God at the center of our relationship?
- How are we going to keep God at the center of our marriage?
Oneness in Marriage
This is a bonus topic in some premarital counseling programs. Oneness is very important, though God has created and designed us differently He expects us to work in Oneness. Especially in a Christian setup, God encourages us to work together in oneness.
Not to impose our Christian religion on you but I think Christianity has a well-laid foundation on how a husband and wife should live together. You should consider looking into the Christian values in the Bible or consider doing your premarital counseling in a Christian organization/church.
In scripture, God says clearly that a man shall leave his mother and father and be joined to his wife and they shall become one.
Final thoughts
I hope these premarital counseling questions will help you evaluate better your relationship.
If you’re getting married soon we recommend you search for a premarital counseling program or engage a marriage counselor to take you through the process of counseling. The premarital counseling questions and topics we have addressed here are just to help you be aware of what to expect in a pre-marriage counseling program.
Take time to access your relationship and take the next step. Additions conversations that you might want to take part in include, parenting, career goals, partners, values, sex life, deal-breakers, and many others. After having all these conversations and discussions with your future spouse you can now confidently walk down the aisle. Hope after this you will make the right decisions.
More on premarital counseling.
