Silent Red flags are relationship warning signs that communicate “danger ahead”, and people who ignore them end up in an unhealthy relationship broken, hurt, and in pain. If you ignore these 7 silent red flags in your relationship, then you will regrate later.
Let’s face it, friends. Ignoring a red light as a driver might wreck your life and destroy not only your life but also damage other people’s life. The same concept works in a relationship, ignoring a red flag, and hoping for a miracle is a 50/50 bargain. The majority of times the story ends in disaster. And because we don’t want you to end up there, we wrote this blog for you.
Let’s dive in
Silent red flags in a relationship
Silent red flags are those un-obvious behaviors that we ignore because they seem innocent and harmless.
So why do people ignore silent red flags? The same reason why people skip red lights: people are impatient, people make bad choices and hope for a miracle, people are coming from a bad culture, people are afraid to wait.
The red sign in a traffic light communicates possible danger, you might not see it but trust the light. If you’re in a relationship of hope to get into one soon, you need to be aware of some common red flags that can ruin your relationship.
Red flags vs flaws Vs deal breaker
Red flags are behaviors, habits, routines, that indicate there is a deeper issue. Flaws are a personality or character trait that is part of who they are. Deal breakers are red flags or flaws you can’t withstand.
Let’s just be honest; no one wants to be in a toxic relationship, we all want something beautiful, and we go to some extent of even having a list of qualities of a partner we desire to be with.
Probably by now you have prayed about him/her and are feeling positive about everything. You’re looking forward to walking down the aisle if everything remains the same.
Wait let me ask you a simple question;
If everything remains the same would you still go ahead with the plans?
Think about the flaws and the red flag you are currently seeing if everything remains constant, which am not saying they will…but if they do will you still say I do? This is a question that I asked myself before I went ahead marrying my girlfriend (who is now my wife).
This question provides a sense of awareness of the reality of things on the ground.
7 Signs of a toxic relationship
The irony of life is that sometimes what we hope not to happen, happens while what we want to happen never happens. I love what Albert Einstein say’s in his quote. (paraphrased)
Men marry women hoping they will not change but they do -while women marry men hoping they will change but we don’t. Albert Einstein
This is the list of some of the signs you are in or headed to a toxic relationship. If by any chance you ignore any of these signs you might get yourself into trouble.
Disclaimer! men and women are different and every relationship is unique. Some of the things on this list might not apply to you.
1. Feeling insecure
If you’re feeling insecure in your relationship we suggest you take a pause and address the issues. Sometimes our issues might be internal others might be external, evaluating your feelings honestly will save you a lot of pain in the future. I personally believe that one of the ways God speaks to us is through our feelings.
I once heard this concept of how God speaks to us from Jimmy Evans of marriage today. Jimmy put’s it this way some people are feelers, others are hearers and for some, there are seers that how they hear God.
If you feeling insecure ask yourself is there something God is trying to tell me? Are these silent red flags that I need to be aware of?
What do I mean by honest evaluation: Ask yourself a series of questions:
- Why am I feeling this way
- Is God trying to tell me something
- What triggers this feeling
- Is there something I need to pay attention to
- Is there something I visually see that makes me feel this way
Feeling insecure might be a silent sign that something is not right, you are not okay or maybe this is not the right relationship for you. Don’t get me wrong feeling insecure might not be a deal-breaker but it is definitely a red flag that needs to be addressed.
For some feeling insecure might be caused by a feeling of jealousy, a past experience, or a projection of the future. Accessing honestly your feeling might save you a lot of pain in the future. take time to address what’s making you insecure in your relationship.
God created you fearfully and wonderfully and you must be confident and comfortable in your own skin. Love yourself, take care of your emotions, deal with your past, and trust God with your future.
2. Talking about their Ex all the time
The second sign you’re heading into a toxic relationship. Is when your partner keeps comparing you with their ex. It such a weird thing but people do it.
Have you ever been with someone who keeps talking about their ex as if they are still in love? That’s a red flag for me, I don’t know about you but for me, I don’t want to be compared to someone else who apparently doesn’t exist anymore but find their way into our conversation every single time. Unless you want to get back to your ex then go ahead.
You need to be with someone who gives you the attention you deserve and never comparing you with their past relationship.
Bringing your past relationship into your present one is a sign of immaturity, deal with your past before you ask me out.
If you’re the one comparing your partner with your ex you need to stop, it’s unfair to put that kind of expectation to someone who genuinely wants to love you the way they know-how. If you want him/her to love you like your ex go back to your ex if that’s the kind of love you want.
Let’s be honest the reason why your ex is an ex is because of something. Be careful when you bring him/her into your present relationship [either emotionally or even in your thoughts] it’s a bad idea.
3. Someone being mean to you in public and want to be nice in private is a huge silent red flag
I have seen this play out in many relationships among my friends. I see a guy treat his girlfriend so bad and the girl doesn’t see anything wrong because the guy treats her so well in private.
This is what we call emotional abuse, if your partner can’t respect you in public then they don’t deserve you in private, cut that shit and run.
You deserve better than that. I know some of you are afraid to break up because you feel insecure about your future, this thing might bite you in the future in a way that you won’t be able to recover.
Don’t let anyone manipulate you to being with them, set and communicate boundaries and let them love you the right way or hit the road. And for others, someone treats you so well in public but abuses you in private, that’s a toxic relationship and a huge red flag. Stay away from such a relationship.
Let the famous saying goes, it’s better to break an engagement than to break a marriage. If something doesn’t honor God then stay away from it no matter how happy it makes you feel.
4. If they hide who they are to impress or manipulate you to say yes is a silent red flag
When someone hides who they are to convince you to say yes to them is a huge red flag. They manipulate you to fall in love with the wrong version of them.
Later on, they start being themselves and start manipulating you with your past decision, something like ” I didn’t want to tell you because I was afraid you will reject me”.
Foundation in a relationship is very important, build your relationship on the wrong foundation and it will come crumbling down on your face. I love what the Bible says about such a situation, it’s the little foxes that destroy the whole vineyard.
15 Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes.
5. When they put their needs before yours
A godly relationship is about serving each other, putting the needs of your partner before yours. If someone isn’t ready to do that, that’s a huge red flag. Being in a relationship with a selfish partner is a recipe for disaster.
When my wife and I were planning to get married we talked about how to serve one another. We agreed that the goal for both of us is to serve each other regardless of what was going on. Sometimes I don’t feel like serving her, but I have to because that’s what Jesus requires of me as her husband.
It’s very hard to be in a relationship with a person who it’s always about them, every decision, every plan, every date, everything is just about them.
My prayer is that you will find someone you can serve one another in your relationship. And find a way of dealing with these red flags.
6. Any Kind of Abuse [ Physical, Emotional, Spiritual] are serious Silent Red flags
I once asked this question on our Facebook group Purpose-driven marriage and the answers I got were overwhelming, but one that caught me was one from a lady friend. She said something interesting, “any form of abuse is huge red flags no matter how small or innocent it looks”
I agree with her, you need to take care of yourself but also you need a partner that can take care of you. A relationship is all about being vulnerable and you want to be with someone who protects your vulnerability and takes care of you. Some of us are coming from painful childhoods, bad relationship experiences, family pains and we need our relationship to be at least a safe place for us.
7. The relationship doesn’t honor God
This sounds obvious but it’s not. There are so many relationships that are built only for the happiness of the couple and not to honor God. Take some moment today and evaluate your relationship, does it honor God, what’s the priority, being happy or being in line with Christ.
Don’t get me wrong, I want you to be happy but not at the expense of what God requires of you. When we mentor young couples we let them know that the goal is to honor God and if they are not ready to work towards that then it will be a waste of our time to walk with them.
Honoring Christ in your relationship will help you keep to your commitment especially in the area of boundaries. The desire for sex will come but it will not overpower you because you know why you must wait. You need to be with someone you are walking in the same direction and believe in waiting.
Red flags in a relationship with a man
Women like men who know what they want, a man who doesn’t know what they want is a huge red flag for most women. As a man, figure out what you want in the relationship and be confident with yourself. Some of the red flags for women include but are not limited to,
- Indecisive (a man who doesn’t know what he wants)
- Commitment issues
- Un- available emotionally
- Overbusy (a man who doesn’t have time for her)
- narcissistical behaviors
- Physical abuse
Red flags in a relationship with a woman
Men are simple, most of them don’t want a lot of things, however, there are some things that might be huge red flags to a man. I cannot speak for all men but I can speak to those who are of the same personality as me. For me, I want a woman who understands me. Someone who knows that am different than most men out there.
Some red flags for men might include but are not limited to.
- Comparison (men hate to be compared to any other man no matter how innocent or silly it might look.)
- Mistrust [ men want a woman who trusts them ]